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I am a Christian woman standing on my digital pulpit to declare, I am not a virgin. And I totally don’t feel bad about it.

I am over the patriarchial rhetoric that preaches a woman’s sexual expression and her spritual connection to God can not coexist in the same body peacefully.

Generations of guilt inducing religious talk has stained our young women with shame for not being “pure” until marriage. Adjectives like “deflowering” demean us like we still aren’t a whole damn rose bouquet whether we are virgins or not.

Myths of clean white dresses and possessive promise rings need to be thrown into a black hole never to be spoken of again. And while we’re at it, “she lost her virginity” can sink into a puddle of ‘holier than thou’ tears.

How about we change the words to: she gained sex.

When a woman gains sex she gains a whole new awareness about her mental, physical and spiritual body. She learns what pleases her, what turns her off, what hurts, and what surprisingly feels good.

She learns a new way to express love physically when words and actions don’t feel like enough.

And I’m not going to apologize anymore for learning that physical language before I was 30+ and married.

This is not to dismiss the complications that sex can bring into a woman’s life, from disease to babies out of wedlock to emotional pain to heartache–all of those are real consequences–but so is joy and passion and heat and love and a deepening between two people.

Painting virginity as something you can “lose” will forever mark the woman’s mind with the idea that she is not whole. And when women’s bodies are described  like a consumer good that can be depreciated from “use,” our flesh and blood is reduced  from gloriously human to a simple barter deal for commitment or a ring.

And I’m not here for that.

So this is for the Christian girls who are sometimes abstinent and sometimes getting it in.

This is for the Christian girl who may have decided to pursue celibacy from now on until marriage.

This is for the Christian girl who keeps trying to stop sleeping with her boyfriend, but her love for him keeps her coming back.

This is for the Christian girl who’s never felt guilty for not being a virgin, and never should.

This is for the Christian girl who feels she’s lost–

You can’t lose the perfection you inherently already have.

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