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Chris Brown Performs On NBC's "Today"

This is a cry for help… with a bullhorn.

Chris Brown. R&B singer, Grammy award winner, dancer, actor and now, MVP of the f*ckery that is the Where Were Your Boys? column.

Yep, you can officially set your watch to Chris’s chaos. That train is never late.

According to reports, Chris Brown was in Washington D.C. in front of the W Hotel with his bodyguard, also named Chris, when he got into an argument with a man and allegedly punched him full on in the face, breaking his nose. The reports conflict as far as the cause, and who hit who but what’s clearer than crystal waters is that both Chris’s were locked up for felony assault faster than you can say probation violation.

Set trippin’ in President Obama’s backyard… Joe Bidden would not approve.

RELATED: Chris Brown: The Unreleased Songs

To add insult to sh*t storm, Chris (the famous one, not the useless one) was apparently quoted as saying “I’m not with this gay sh*t, I feel like boxing.” Which if a judge determines that he’s violated the terms of his probation (again), he’s gonna have plenty of time for both while serving his four years. That song “Strip” is gonna take on a whole new meaning during the body cavity search. [Editor’s Note: A judge had the charges reduced to a misdemeanor]

Dude, where were your bo… oh wait..

I can’t even ask that question… because you had one, on the payroll, right next to you! And not in a “I’ll-be-by-your-side, That’s-what-friends-are-for” kinda way. More like in a “close enough to catch the same charge” way! You’ve got someone that you actually pay to take the beef or the blame whichever comes first, in dapping-distance and your ass still ends up behind the kind of bars you and Drake don’t have in common. Did you find him the same Craigslist ad where 2 Chainz found his worthless bodyguard?

Kevin Costner weeps.

GIF of Chris Brown Crying

How in the blonde haired, blur hell do you have a bodyguard and still get into a fight?! That’s like.. I dunno… having a bodyguard and STILL getting into a fight!! He couldn’t have hustled you onto the bus, back to the room, into a car, onto a movie set, anywhere else while he handled a few hooligans? He never though to say: “Hey Chris listen, it’s getting a little tense out here and we’re a little too close to where they shot the Wire. Why don’t you take it upstairs for a min and let me handle this… you know what happens when you get into fights with people who sing. Lord knows if these dudes got demos. but why risk it? Why don’t you re-up on peroxide and I’ll see you in the morning? Your roots are showing.”

Instead, he was too busy reading his newest copy of Slackers Monthly to keep the big homie outta the grey-bar hotel and away from the sounds of Rihanna, Drake and Frank laughing oceans of tears into their iPhones after reading the story.

Fire somebody… including your anger management teacher.

Aziz Ansari Chris Brown Anger Meme

And to the two geniuses who decided to mess with Chris Brown in the first place…

Seriously? That seemed like a good idea? You just thought to yourself “Hey, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I’ve got nothing better to do… why not go screw with the reportedly unstable R&B singer, the guy who puts chairs through windows, tosses bottles at rappers and hits people with and inside of his cars, and his bodyguard.”


Somewhere, Johnny “Jackass” Knoxville is kicking himself for missing this one…

What was for dessert? Poking a lion in the ass with a pool cue? Tap dancing next to a cobra or maybe pelting a pit-bull with meatballs? Why not just travel down to Baltimore and piss on the leg of a drug dealer’s sister? Of all the things to do with your life, you decided to mess with a man that attracts trouble like Drake attracts memes?


Where Were YOUR Boys??

Nobody thought enough about you to say: Yeah bro! I love a good goof, I’m with you dude, let’s get him. What’d you say his name was? Chris Brown? I know that name… Nah, I’m not a fan either. I’ll just do a quick Google search and see what comes u…. oh, uh dude, I’m really, really hungry all of a sudden. Whey don’t we go get some pancakes? Like, right now? Yeah, my treat, whatever, lets just go… NOW.

Let this be a lesson to all. iHop beats the hospital.


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Where Were Your Boys? Chris Brown’s Bodyguard Fail [OPINION]  was originally published on